


That Which Is Left Behind

by traptrixnepenthes



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traptrixnepenthes/pseuds/traptrixnepenthes
Summary: When Saeki finally wakes up, things have changed. A lot more things than he ever could have expected.(set post-enomoto route, which i staunchly believe is the true golden route, and here's why: everyone gets a happy ending)(obviously spoilers for enomoto's route, but also EXTREMELY MAJOR adonis-related spoilers. if you haven't 100%'d the game don't read this i'll cry)





	That Which Is Left Behind

In the three--no, it was four, wasn't it?--months since I'd been shot in the back, Shinjuku had changed drastically. Being comatose had at the very least allowed me to see those differences as starkly as possible, but I wasn't sure just quite yet if that was a good thing.

The quarantine on Shinjuku had lifted--that was good. The weapons ban had returned--that was, too. X-Day had been called off days before January arrived, and that terrorist group Adonis had seemingly vanished into the night. All of this had been told to me after I had woken up again, along with some other, more useless information. In the shootout with the Adonis operative Kobayashi Hanako, I'd been shot in the back--I knew that. My kidney had been damaged irreparably, and I'd been in a critical condition for days. A family member had donated one of their own to me, and they had visited me regularly in the hospital as I slept.

“Who was it?” Hoshino Ichika had asked so innocently. “Even back when we were at the academy together, I can't remember you ever talking about your family before, so I assumed you had a bad relationship...oh, I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me.”

I had never lied to her before, and I didn't intend to start now, even if she'd just broached the issue I wanted to talk about least. “My brother,” I’d said. “His name is Rei.” I'd smiled at her, apologetic. “We've never been all that close with each other, so to be honest, hearing that he'd do this for me feels a little bit surreal.”

And Hoshino smiled back at me. “I think he must care about you a lot more than you think, Saeki.”

She was probably right.

My days of bedrest continued after that, and I hated every minute of it. Even the ward I was in was soaked the the pain and sorrow of its occupants, cutting me to the bone, and if any of my visitors had asked why I was always on the verge of crying, I wouldn't have had a good answer for them. Maybe the worst part was that I simply couldn't  _do_  anything for them. I was simply stuck here, all their hurt hurting me just as much as it hurt them, and for one of the first times in my life, I felt useless.

I had only entered the police academy on what had basically been a whim. There was no real thought behind it, since it wasn't anywhere near necessary for my plans, but it had been a good time-waster while our plan had come to fruition. It hadn't been  _entirely_  a waste, of course. My justice and my ideals could be acted on here long before X-Day arrived, even if it was on a much smaller scale. I could help people. I could end their sorrows. Despite everything, becoming an officer was something I had never regretted.

Until now.

One of my fellow patients slept terribly, his dreams filled with the terrors of what had landed him here with me. One of them, like me, was simply still immobilized, but unlike me, she was unlikely to recover, her voice painfully delicate as she smiled and told this to the people that visited her. One of them simply received no visitors at all, watching silently.

As a police officer, yes, perhaps I could have prevented some of their sadness. As the head of Adonis, I could have given them the power to turn that sadness into strength. But who was going to take care of them until they had the strength to temper their sadness into something else? Who was going to prevent the suffering they were enduring right at that moment?

In that moment, I had never wished harder to turn back time and enter med school instead.

My miserable days continued, and then Rei visited me. He didn't have much of a disguise, simply pulling his hair back into a small ponytail and wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He hadn't done anything beyond that, not even the old cliche of glasses, but it looked so profoundly  _unlike_  Mikuni Rei that it alongside the name “Saeki Rei” was enough that he was able to sit at my bedside without anyone even staring at him.

He looked uncomfortable in his disguise, and even though he didn't show his nervousness beyond the tiniest furrowing of his brows, it was kind of funny. I couldn't help but smile at the sight, and he returned it. It was the warmest smile I'd ever seen from him.

“My apologies for not visiting you until now. I've been hopelessly caught up in work.”

“I can imagine. Now that Shinjuku is really getting back on its feet, you're gonna have to be working overtime, huh?”

“Something like that, yes.”

Conversation ground to a halt. Rei had never been all that good at small talk, so I picked up the slack for him.

“The nurses told me you'd been visiting me a lot while I slept.”

Rei broke my gaze, instead looking a little bit down. “I was...worried.”

“I hear you donated…” I suddenly couldn't find it in me to hold eye contact either, and looked down at the blankets that sat at my waist. It was still sinking in, somehow, that he had sacrificed a part of himself for me. “...I hear you were the one who saved me.”

“I guess you could put it like that.” He said it casually, but out of the corner of my eye I saw him wring his hands. Was he...embarrassed because I'd put it that way? “I don't know if you would’ve done the same for me, but…we  _are_  still brothers.”

“Of course I would have. You know I don't want to see anyone suffering, especially if I can do something about it.”

“Mm.” His reply was uncharacteristically curt, and I looked back up at him to see him smiling bitterly. “But that's different from not wanting to see me suffer, isn't it.”

I didn't know what to say to that. I hadn't even realized that that was something he'd wanted.

“In your absence, I've been...thinking. For the past ten years, you've been a constant in my life. We've worked together and collaborated for so long that your sudden disappearance from my side...scared me.” These were words I hadn't heard before. More had changed while I was asleep than I had ever expected. “Since our plan started, you changed. It had felt so much like you were leaving behind our ideals...no. That's too impartial. It felt like you were leaving me behind.”

I was silent. If Rei had gotten some sort of epiphany while I was asleep, then I was obligated to listen to him, especially if it involved me. Our beliefs had never quite lined up, always being more parallel than anything, but he was my oldest supporter. Ignoring his words would hurt him, and I couldn't have that.

“I do not know what changed you, or why. For the longest time, I only knew you as the same Yuzuru you had introduced yourself to me as so many years ago. I knew you were a police officer now, but that title didn't mean very much to me until I heard the full story of what had happened the night you got shot.” His eyes were determined, his voice strong. He spoke with the same conviction he'd always had, but I didn't know what exactly that conviction was, this time. “When Kobayashi Hanako started that incident, you were the first one of the three officers on the scene to think of the civilians, starting the evacuation. That's testimony from Officer Sakuragawa Kotoho. Although the person giving you orders was an ex-cop, you diligently faced what was arguably the most dangerous assignment in securing the hostage without any concern for yourself. Testimony from former Field Ops Officer Enomoto Mineo. Although Kobayashi Hanako was in an extremely aggravated state, when she aimed for the hostage, you shoved him out of the way and took the bullet yourself, protecting him with your life. Testimony from Officer Hoshino Ichika.”

I stared at him, not sure what he was trying to get at. “Is that...really all that surprising? Of course I would have protected him. Not only is he an innocent, but he’s my friend’s little brother.”

“It isn't surprising at all to me. But it did...help put a few things in perspective for me.” Rei smiled gently. “Yuzuru, you have always been so kind.”

“...what?” I'd been described like that before, but the words felt alien coming out of his mouth, for some reason. He had seen every single misdeed I had made in the name of justice, knew I'd had a hand in so many murders anyone else would have lost count, and he had fought with me and argued with me more than anyone else. And yet.

“You're kind,” he said again, this time more forcefully, “and that is what spurs you to act. Maybe you can blame it on your beliefs and ideals but I have come to the conclusion that those aren't what truly drives you. Your beliefs wouldn't have you prioritize a single lif--what you did that night over our goals. Your ideals wouldn't let you die before things had been completed. But you are too kind to overlook any one person’s struggle. It's why you cry so bitterly when others tell you their hardships, because you truly do understand their pain and feel it as if it were your own. And...it is because you are so kind that...I found myself wondering as I sat by your bedside if maybe it wouldn't be better if you were simply...a normal police officer.”

I was stunned. “Rei...did you do something? What did you do?” I could hear my voice rising, but I wasn't sure what emotion it was swirling in my chest that made it happen.

“I've ended things.” Rei’s voice was firm enough to shut me up. “I can achieve my goals simply as I am, by continuing to work the same way people think I’ve always worked. I collaborated with Sera Akito, confessing to him that this has been my desire since June, when…” When Akito’s sorrow had turned into a bloodbath. One of my own making. “...in any case, he was eager to help. Guilt had almost overcome him, and since that day, he had been accumulating information on us. Had one thing gone wrong, he'd said, he would have sent it to Hoshino Ichika, to do with as she would. I finalized that, with some...minor edits.”

I exhaled slowly, staring into his red eyes, knowing he'd chosen this visit specifically to tell me. I couldn't rage or retaliate or even say anything that would implicate either of us. Because I was too kind, I supposed.

I just leaned back, sighing. “So that's it, then? I get to get out of this claustrophobic hospital, and you're going to turn me in so I can go to a claustrophobic jail cell?”

“Don't exaggerate. When it comes to you, I will always be a bit more lenient than maybe I should.” Rei smiled at me again. He, too, was a lot kinder than he thought. “Your name didn't even appear. The only edit I made, after discussing the matter with young Sera Akito, was simply removing my own name, and the names of those who if they had all been apprehended would have cast suspicion on me as well. He said he encouraged it, as long as I made sure to never go to these lengths again, no matter how dire the circumstances were. Every member has already been taken care of. You and I are, in essence, the only ones left.”

My head was spinning. I knew what he said was true, because he'd always been too pure hearted to lie to me. But all of Adonis had just been ripped away from me, by the hands of the person who was talking to me so kindly, so gently. The foundation of my very existence, my reason for living, had been cut out of the world without me having even noticed. And Rei was the one who had done it.

I didn't know what I was feeling. Emotions swirled and roiled inside me and I knew that as long as I could keep my face straight, Rei wouldn't suspect a single one of them. He had betrayed me, completely and utterly, but I couldn't find it in me to hate him, either.

Tears began rolling down my cheeks, and he offered me a box of tissues. Even when we were younger, I'd always been a hopeless crybaby, even if it had always been for others instead of myself.

Rei waited for me as I wiped my face, simply sitting there silently. I couldn't speak, could hardly think, but he still waited for me. Between the two of us, he was the truly kind one, and I knew he'd done this to me out of kindness as well.

But when I could finally speak again, all that came out was a whispered, “Why?”

“To every other person on this planet, you are simply Saeki Yuzuru, police box cop. I didn't see any reason to change that.”

Ah...how painful someone else’s kindness could be. “But  _why?_ ”

This time, he paused for a moment, seeming to think about his words. “Because you are my brother. Because you are my only real family in this world.” The look on his face was so gentle, so delicate, I thought he might shatter if he kept talking, but he continued anyways. “Because I love you, Yuzuru.”

His smile turned sad, and it pierced my gut like a bullet had just a few months ago. He stood up to leave, clearly not expecting a response from me, but as he turned away from me I blurted out, “Thank you.”

Slowly, he turned back to me, expression blank. “For what?”

“For…” For what indeed. I looked down, away from his expression that seemed to hurt me more than I thought it should have been able to, and gingerly pressed my fingers against my abdomen. “For saving me. For being so kind to me.”

I saw him nod and move to turn again, but I shook my head. I hadn't finished talking, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Yes, he'd torn apart our dreams without warning me first. Yes, he'd made all sorts of assumptions about me that weren't necessarily correct. But he'd done them for my sake, not for his own like I'd always accused him of in my head. He even risked his own position that he had so delicately crafted, just for me. I always knew that when he called me family, called me his brother, it was true, but...I had never understood what those words had meant to him until now.

I looked up again, looking into his eyes, and feeling like I'd cry again. He really was too kind for his own good. “For being my brother.”

When Rei smiled so happily at me, I could see the child he'd been the first time he'd declared us brothers.

Soon after that, I entered rehab, and Hoshino came to visit me more often. She'd never know now that I was the person who had put that collar around her neck, and she would never know the extent of my crimes, and she would never have to be forced into inheriting my ideals. She'd never know that I had wanted her to kill me at the end, for daring to be like the people I had murdered in the name of justice.

She would never, ever, ever know my crimes, and neither would anyone else. Saeki Yuzuru was still just Saeki Yuzuru to her, her old academy pal and drinking buddy. And maybe that was good enough for once.

So I slapped her on the shoulder and grinned. “When I finally get out, let's party! Bring your new squeeze with you too!”

Hoshino blushed and stammered and I laughed at her until she snapped at me, saying “No drinks for you until you're fully and completely recovered! It's not good for you!”

“Don't be like that! We've gotta celebrate, don't we?”

“I'll make you a big cake when you're released. How does that sound instead?”

“Oh, well, if it was a storebought one I'd probably say no, but if it's  _your_  cooking…”

“Flattery will get you nowhere towards more beer.”

“C’mon, I'm not  _that_  bad, am I?”

This time it was Hoshino’s turn to laugh at me, reminding me of all the stupid stuff I'd done while falling down drunk. “I'll invite Mochida and Sakuragawa, too. We can still have a little party. It's honestly been pretty lonely without you pestering me at work. Depending on when you get out, I might invite Mineo, too.”

“Is he too busy or something?”

“Well...sort of? He's working towards getting reinstated in Field Ops. He said he wanted to become an officer you could be proud of, and since he's a stickler about the weirdest things, he's decided he won't see you face to face again until he's succeeded in getting reinstated.”

I couldn't help but laugh a little. “We only met, what, twice? Did I really leave that big of an impression on him?”

“Yeah. You're an amazing person, Saeki.” She smiled warmly, and it made me smile too. Despite everything, nothing between us would have to change.

That knowledge was comforting, somehow.

“Alright,” I declared, dramatically raising one fist. “In that case, I've gotta get better soon so I can become the kind of officer he thinks I am!”

“Don't push yourself, alright?”

“You're such a worrywart, Hoshino!”

The days leading to my release passed slowly. The current plan was to have me on active duty again as soon as possible, but since I was still recovering, that translated into desk duty. I wouldn't be able to do much of anything for anyone from there.

With that in my way, and with the still-hollow feeling in my chest from losing a goal I'd worked for ten years for, I contemplated if it was worth it. If I couldn't just become another statistic. Rei would be able to pull enough strings to get me a new home--a real one, not just sleeping in a cold and dark room at Adonis HQ--but would that effort even be worth it? Without Adonis, what did I have left?

 _Hoshino is making you a cake_ , said a small voice in my brain.

 _You can't live for cake_ , I retorted, snarking to myself.

 _Isn't it enough?_  the voice said. _First, it's the cake you're looking forward to. Then returning to your real station. And then helping people like you used to, without hurting anyone else. Without spreading more sorrow. Rei gave you the chance to do just that._

I couldn't find it in me to argue.

I'd have to thank Rei again. Saeki Yuzuru, perfectly ordinary regular cop, would be on the streets soon enough.


End file.
